Cue, Madness!
The waves of grief have washed over me as soon as I heard of George Floyd’s death. It seemed that all the work I had done to get to a place of hope again, fell to pieces with the words I heard over the news. Studying black theology in college, made me keenly aware of the privilege I have as a white woman, to be able to turn off the radio and choose to think on other things. I remember in college the profound white guilt I had, that all of us white kids had in our black theology classes, asking what can we do, how do we fix this?…
I miss my Mamabear!
Today I wanted to go through my Mother’s clothing and shoes to set them aside for family members who may need them, or once Covid is over, go to those in need. I was doing well with my heart, I had an amazing sleep last night, first time I slept a full 8 hours in weeks. I went and found the bags with her shoes. As I went through them I placed them into a box so they will be ready for their next journey. But then I came upon her sandals and her Merrill clogs she wore for years and years. Within seconds, moments flashed before me, picnics and…
2 ways to cope with the statement, “just get over it,” when you are experiencing depression during Covid-19.
Ever since my first episode, April has been a hard month for me. Depression seems to sweep me to my knees. Sometimes it hits for only 24 hours and sometimes for 2 weeks. I feel depression, not only in an emotional way, but physically as well. My eye lids get heavy in the sunlight and I feel as if I cannot rise from my bed as the weight of a human body seems to hang from my shoulders. When the sun starts to set, I wake up and seem to have endless energy into the night, which only perpetuates the darkness the following day. Currently, I am stable on my…
5 Ways to Cope with Mental Illness During Covid-19
These times have been very trying on my mental health and have brought to life old feelings that I had thought, with therapy, I had conquered. With each day that has gone by, each of the demons that I felt were banished from my mind, have tip toed themselves to sit front and center as I work to regain my mental balance. I wanted to share 5 ways to cope with mental illness during Covid-19 that have proven, for me, to kick those demons back to where they belong, far from my life and my mind. 1. Create boundaries with your phoneIn the isolation many of us find ourselves, our…
“This Too Shall Pass.”
My Mother always told me, “This too shall pass,” whenever life threw me an issue that felt like a tornado in my world. When I struggled with my anxiety, she would encourage me to focus on what I could do and not on the could’ve, would’ve, should’ve, what if’s and if only’s. At the end of our conversations, she would say with kindness and confidence, “Meliss, this too shall pass.” Currently, as I look outside at the beautiful Earth Day 2020, I am reminded of where I have come from and how far I have stepped into the reality of the symbol above. My symbol above is a phoenix. It…
Make It Go Away!
My heart belongs to a box of ashes upstairs. Sometimes I wish, I always wish I could have taken the cancer away from her and it had been me as ashes in the box upstairs. I’m at times really living like I am ashes, but I can make it all go away through travel. My Mother was starting to live life when she got cancer. She wasn’t taking any shit and she was doing her thing. I had always done my thing. Of course the mother wants it to be them and not their kid, but my mom…She was all I had. Everything paled in the reality of her sickness…
Help! Am I Crazy?
I hate to say I struggle with mental illness. I prefer to thrive with it. Show it who’s boss. Thank God for my meds and hear Mom’s sing song voice as she says “better living through chemistry” elongating the “e” sound the “y” makes and then laughing. But even as I thrive, there is an aspect of the struggle that I cannot deny. Grief is an emotion, but I would classify it in my life as a true illusionist. One of the things I fear is going through another episode, which does not occur when I am properly medicated. In my mother’s decline and in her passing grief became a…
Why? There are No Stages
Well my true feelings are a crap shoot. Someone told me that I needed to pull myself up by my boot strapes because my mom would have wanted that. I call bullshit. My mother taught me to look deep at triggars, to see that my boot straps are frayed, stop take the boots off and wash off all the shit thats caked to the bottom, string up stronger laces, get good socks and then lace them up. My mom analized things to deaht to try to figure out about how to be the best version of herself. She taught me that if it is looking too good to be true,…
Stuck
I am not sure how to describe the annoyance that comes with people’s suggestions that I get more busy, get a job, volunteer, that if I had more on my plate my grief would not be so bad…would be easier to move through, would not consume my mind. What people do not know is that I am consumed by the trauma that I am currently processing at all times. When I was in OTA school I dated and when things went wrong I made a column in my notes section as my mom instructed me, to write my thoughts as they came. Well let me tell you, it was very…
Wife
Wife. Wonderful instigator of fury and electricity. I have always wanted to be a wife. When I was little I played with my neighbors granddaughter and we would make up our boyfriends and go on pretend dates with them and then meet at the play ground to tell each other how amazing our boyfriends were. Ha. My boyfriend was named Mike. A very Ken and Barbie kind of name. But the powers of the women’s movement years before my birth sent waves through my friends and everyone was driven for Ivy league schools and professions that would lead them to settle down in their 30s and then think about kids.…
A Pass Through Grief While Enduring Mental Illness
