I miss my Mamabear!

Today I wanted to go through my Mother’s clothing and shoes to set them aside for family members who may need them, or once Covid is over, go to those in need. I was doing well with my heart, I had an amazing sleep last night, first time I slept a full 8 hours in weeks. I went and found the bags with her shoes. As I went through them I placed them into a box so they will be ready for their next journey. But then I came upon her sandals and her Merrill clogs she wore for years and years. Within seconds, moments flashed before me, picnics and beach outings where she wore the sandals, winters when the clogs were all she would put on and I lost my bearings. I stood up and walked into the laundry room holding one of her towels to start a new load of her clothing and I tripped over a cord and fell flat on my face. I mean this was a complete face plant. It was a slide into home base. Thank God we have carpet and I was wearing long pants, because the carpet burn would have been horrible. I lay with my face in the towel and started to cry. I cried in a way I have not cried for many weeks. It was a grief wave like the ones I got when she first passed. Tears poured from my eyes, the towel had saved my elbows and hands from carpet burn and now helped me muffle the sobs that wrecked my body. I heard my husband slowly come down the stairs. When he saw me face down he quickly got to the bottom stair. “What happened? Are you okay?” I was embarrassed, I was sad, I couldn’t stop my tears, but I told him I just couldn’t go through Mom’s stuff today. I told him I thought I could do it, but I couldn’t. My dog came down and sniffed at my ear, circled around my feet and came to the other side like she was surveying the scene to make sure I was not actually hurt. My husband gently told me that he did not expect me to do anything that would be too difficult emotionally. He told me not to go through Mom’s stuff and just know there will be a time when I will be able to without my body literally giving out on me. I started to cry again at his kindness and his understanding and I realized, I am full of life, I am full of my Mom and she is guiding me every day to do what I need to do to accomplish my dreams and goals. My heart feels so broken today, but the sun is helping me to remember that my Mom made me into a woman that knows myself well enough to be strong when I need to and to cry when I need to as well. Today I miss her. Today I want her to be here drinking tea on my deck with me, taking in the sun with me as we wear our sun hats.

Eventually I got myself up after letting the grief wave crash over me for minutes that seemed like an eternity. I felt a panic attack start and I used my new breathing techniques from my EMDR therapist and my medicine to ease myself back into my day and I can say now that I successfully weathered that wave. I got my boogie board and put on my arm floaties and let the wave wash over me. I utilized my tools and I did not fight it. For that, I am eternally grateful.

With Light and Love,
Melissa