A Five Week Wait

I set out on an adventure this past weekend, to a location in the state that had no cell reception, no TV access or news access. It gave me a chance to almost purge myself of the toxic political combat that has taken over our air waves and TV screens. I sat by the fire when we first arrived, taking in the beauty of the coals under the timber, shimmering with heat. It hypnotized me into a state of sweet surrender, and as I looked up into a sky thick with stars, I began to feel that special feeling of something so much bigger then I, happening out there. Something I had no control over no matter how much I worried or tried to educate myself and others. I stayed up so late that when my head hit the pillow I slept hard and my dreams were not a torment as they usually are. They were full of steady joy and reconciliation between humans.

We got back from the magical place of no phones or TV or radio and I came back to the reality that there was in fact a virus making another massive surge, there was still a vacation that my precious family would be taking into one of the hot zones, and my grief felt amplified. I left the house where I was watching my nephew, telling my family I love them and I teared up on the front porch as I was told I would be missed. That they understood us not coming because of our beliefs. BELIEFS! My family believes the reason we are not going on the vacation we had planned on going, becuase we believe that covid is an issue in the location we were going. I wanted to tell her for the 10th time that Covid-19 was an illness, that it didn’t care if I believed in it or not, I would get it or I wouldn’t. But instead I let tears fall from my eyes, hidden behind my glasses.

Today I treasured every ounce of time I had with my family. I told them I loved them many times, I made sure things were put back after being played with, but I left so heavy hearted. I am the only person in my family that has lost a friend or a family member of a friend to Covid-19. I am hating to see the reality, but with a family that is going to a location that is a hot zone, and a family that does not have compliant members to the mask wearing and social distancing instructions of the CDC or NIH guidlines, I fear that my grief has been magnified.

Here, just like with Mom when she was sick, I have no control over my family. I have no way of educating and/or instructing them, just as I had no way to tell my Mom what to do once Cancer took over. Unlike with Mom, I now have to watch helplessly as dear and sweet family members choose to walk into the belly of the beast of Covid-19. At least Mom knew where she could go and what she could do and followed what the health professionals said to a “T.” With my family now, I have to fully let go, and let them do what they want, even if it means I lose one or more of them to this illness. I will see pictures of the ocean, I will see my nephew at the crowded beaches, I will see other family members walk into areas without masks and then I will wait and pray so hard that in 5 weeks no one is sick.

Tonight I am trying to relax, trying to work the steps for Ala-non and let go of everything I am trying to hold on to. People have the choice to ignore information, to think they are right and that they know best. People have the right to do whatever they want. I just wish for a moment they would think about what they are doing to us who are worried they will be sick or come back and spread it to us. I have learned, it is not their obligation to feel sad or worried about how their actions will effect us and those they love. That getting sick could cost them their lives.

Instead I will enjoy many more weekends in the next 5 weeks while I wait to see them all again, in an unreachable place where news and internet do not exist and the shimmering of embers sets me up for the sleep of champions.