Grief

There is a robin that stands in the yard a looks right at me as I sit at the dining room table writing. He was neither spooked by Janet and I walking to or from our walk or as the rain pours down on him in these scattered showers we are getting now. His posture is strong and tall and he seems to be telling everyone that he is here, he is in charge and this is his yard, field, house, human. He often turns and faces me, his chest fire red with a dark head and a bright yellow beak. He picks at the dirt today as my Mother’s chimes ring in the wind that has decided to move every part of those chimes. The yard is spotted with yellow dandelion type flowers and the robin moves very calculated through them all. 

I had been so desperate to see my mom, hear my mom. I put her ashes under my bed, where I lay and slept hoping she would come to me. It sounds so sick, but my grief for my mother has taken on forms of darkness and loss. The idea of a ship without a rudder is how I communicate my loss to people I hardly know. But to those I know well, I tell the truth. It is worse than the loss of a rudder. It is a feeling that there is not one more reason to stay here on earth. The day before I saw my Mom in my dream, (I had been rebuked for putting her box of ashes under my bed and had since moved them) our yard and field beyond the stream was full of robins. They filled the grassy areas and moved towards the house like an invasion. They moved in unison past our house and then flew back and began the assault on our property all over again. I quickly went to the computer and looked up what happens when you see a flock of Robins. My heart was warmed by the response. 

“If a robin keeps visiting you in indicates good luck. According to myths and legends, Robins appear once a loved one is dead. Allegedly, the Robin is often seen after you encounter a loss of someone you love, who is the spirit of the deceased person trying to tell you not to worry and that they love you. A simple message from heaven, that this loved one is watching over you. Many people have proven this legend true. Robins also appear spiritually, to remind you to uncover the happiness. To see two robins consequently can indicate that you should share your knowledge. Robins are also associated with the end of an old phase and the entering of a new one. To see Robin means you need to let go of what no longer serves you and find something else to bring you joy and happiness. The Robin bird is encouraging you to be brave again.”

“What does it mean when you see a red robin? If you see a red robin, it means you’re given the ability to grow in a better direction in life. Red Robins symbolize renewal in different areas of your life. They teach us to accept and apply changes with joy, smile, and a song because changes are always welcome. Also, the red robin shows you how to increase the passion in your life and enjoy “life” a bit more. The energy of the Red Robin teaches us how to move forward with perseverance, tenancy, and grace. To see a Red Robin in your life means you’re reminded of your goals. Are you giving up on your personal goals? Are you lacking compassion and patience in life?”

Aunty flo.com

That night I dreamt of Mom. She finally came to me and I was walking with her and she had her walker. I asked her all the questions in my heart. I asked her why she didn’t tell me about all her items and she turned and said “and why the hell would you need to know that?” which was very mom at this time. I was able to lie with her and smell her and hug her and hold her hand and my heart asked all the questions that were plaguing me. I woke up not sure what I asked or the answers but my soul was at peace. My questions had been answered.