When I was little, I had no idea the things my qualifier did were abnormal. It has only been in the last few years of being married to someone who is the complete opposite of my qualifier, that I’ve had to adjust my thought process. Looking back, I remember how mad my qualifier would get. He would have this tunnel vision rage, and take it all out on Mom and me behind closed doors. He would clear tables with his arm while screaming at us. He would stare us down into submission, but I never fully gave in to his threats and rage and this only angered him more. Mom tried to protect me from the emotional and verbal abuse we both endured for years and years. When I was 10, I was put into therapy to assist me in my negative thoughts. When I was 13, an incident occurred between me and my qualifier (my Dad) that caused my therapist to call an emergency meeting with me and my parents. She told him, “I’m no longer going to teach her how to live with you. I’m going to teach her how to survive you, because she will be out of the house sooner than later.” My qualifier went to a therapist and was given a test that showed he had personality disorders and mania, depression, anxiety and ADHD. A few of the personality disorders were aggressive and sadistic personality disorder, narcissistic personality disorder and antisocial personality disorder. These diagnoses don’t make up for what he did to us, but they do give me a chance, through the anger, the un-forgiveness and bitterness, to take a step back and breathe. Of the many things I’ve learned by growing up with and still being involved with a father with these disorders, I have been given the gift of seeing through most every person I meet. This gift has kept me out of trouble by keeping me away from “the bad crowd,” it’s given me freedom to walk away from toxic people, and it’s given me the ability to comfort others who have gone through what I have or who are now living through it. In this blogging journey, I hope to find other positive links that are attached to my life having grown up with a father like mine and having lost my protector… my MamaBear.
Today, I just want people to know, I see you. I see the pain and the fear, anger and frustration. I see the gas lighting and the threats and how each of these are weights on your shoulders. You are not alone. It is normal to be afraid AND to love the person who is hurting you. It is not right they hurt you, and if you are in danger I highly suggest you get out and find help. The mixed emotions are real and if they tear you apart, when you heal the “scar tissue” will make you even stronger. I pray you find a safe place to be when your qualifier rages and when they give you the cold shoulder. You are not alone!